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Speech for Old and Bold Ladies night December 2012


Hello everyone, Well it’s that time of year again and you’ve got me again.  Christmastime Some people love it and some hate it.  One of the problems is buying presents for people. Now us girls always think it’s difficult to find something for our men but I think men have an even more difficult time thinking of something that their partner would appreciate. I know it’s ladies night but it’s in our nature to be kind and feel empathy for our partners so here’s a little story especially for the men.

 A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, ‘Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’

The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’

God replied, ‘Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.’

God replied: ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge?’

 So it would appear that even God can’t understand women, But however confused you men feel your lady or wife or partner, whatever you call her, please believe me She is your best friend. Although there is another contender for the role of best friend.  It is said the A dog is mans best friend.  How many of you here have a dog?  Does anyone here own a Schnauzer? If yes “You’re going to love this” If no response. Well my friend Anita has a Schnauzer

 Anita found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then told my friend that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some “Nair” hair remover and use it in the dog’s ears once a month.

Anita went to the chemist and bought some “Nair” hair remover. The pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”

Anita said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”

The pharmacist said, “Well. If you’re using it on your legs, don’t put any moisturiser on them for a couple of days.”

The lady replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either.  I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”

The pharmacist says, “Well in that case don’t ride a bicycle for a couple of days.

 Thinking about pets it reminds me of a story I heard the other day.

A Jewish lady whose husband had died used to go to the beach in Florida where she lived.  One day she saw an extremely distinguished and handsome man arrive on the beach.  He sat down near her and started to read a book and she thought I’ll strike up a conversation with him.  So she days “I haven’t seen you on the beach before” He replies “Oh my wife died a year ago so I thought I would come down here and relax” and he goes back to reading his book. The lady thinks how can I engage him in conversation and get to know him and she thinks I know I’ll talk about pets, so she says “Do you like pussycats” He gets up, rips off her bathing costume and makes mad passionate love to her.  When it’s all over she says, “Oh, how did you know I needed that?” and he replies, “How did you know my name was Katz.”

 Well enough about sunshine and Florida and back to Christmas, and another aspect of Christmas is that it is party time; there are work parties, leisure pursuit parties. And then there are girls night out parties. I actually feel some sympathy with the lady in this story, as my husband is a stickler for being on time, which is unfortunate for me as one of my faults is that, I am sometimes late. In fact he says I have two late wives, the first one died in 1999 and my present wife is always late.

Well. The other night this lady was invited out for a night with “the girls.”

She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the drink was flowing and she was having fun dancing and suddenly she realised that it was nearly 3 a.m., so a bit loaded, she headed for home, thinking “Oh no He’s going to kill me”.

Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing that her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him “Midnight”. He didn’t seem pissed off at all.

Whew! She thought Got away with that one!

Then he said, “I think we need a new cuckoo clock.” When she asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh shit.”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.”

Christmas wouldn’t be the same with all the Christmas ads  on TV..  I like the Morrisons one with the rather depressed Mum battling through her Christmas preparations, it’s the most realistic and packs a powerful festive punch, I also like the Aldi  one with the three little angels contemplating their chocolate reindeers. The Famous Grouse adverts arc always excellent and this years is particularly good where you think the Grouse is being shot at  and then the smart little bird takes a bow surrounded by  party poppers  But the one I love the most is the John Lewis Ad, you think the snowman has abandoned his  snow girl, but no, he shows his  love and goes the extra mile to buy the perfect gift.     Its quite heart warming and I like to think that all you men here tonight would go that extra mile because with all our faults and although we ladies sometimes drive you mad, I know that you all love us.  I think Charles Aznavour’s romantic song describing his beloved will strike a chord in your heart for your feelings for own wife or partner. It goes like this: She

May be the reason I survive
The why and where for I’m alive
The one I’ll care for through the rough and rainy years
Me I’ll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I got to be
The meaning of my life is


So Please Ladies raise your glasses to all the men here tonight and to HMS Sussex Shipmates Association. MERRY Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all.



Speech for Old and Bold Ladies night December 2011

Thank the guest of honour

(For gods sake Vivien find out what the bloody hell his name is before you sit down for dinner!!)Say how interesting his speech was etc etc

Do you believe in Father Christmas?

(Someone is bound to say yes so adlib say your weren’t supposed to say that, there’s always one isn’t there? Well you believe if you want to it’s a

nice thing to believe in. Just like when George Osbourne says…. Go back to speech)

No of course you don’t, but it would be a nice thing to believe in. Do you believe George Osborne, the Chancellor of the Exchequer when he says that his measures of austerity will solve the country’s financial debt problems? Well, we would all like to believe that. Do you believe that we can slow down Global warming? We would all like to believe that too. But the fact is that we just don’t know. We live in an unsure world.  When you think about it, we live on a tiny planet 93 million miles from the Sun.  Nobody even knows how large the universe is; let alone how it was created.  But one thing is sure; humankind has always needed some kind of celebration.  The pagans celebrated, “The birthday of the sun” around the 25th December and when the Romans arrived in Britain they brought their festival Saturnalia that lasted from then 17th to 23rd December. The Christian church was astute enough to know that rather than fight beloved pagan customs it was better to accept them and subtly transform them.  And so Christmas became the Winter Festival.

Just like our ancestors, we need a celebration to provide us with fun, joy and to take our minds off the problems of everyday life. And we do have fun with parties, balloons, Christmas Trees, Christmas crackers, sparkling lights, plenty of food and drink, and gifts.  It’s also a time when with all the organising life can sometimes be confusing.  Have you seen the Nutcrackers? I can’t remember where I put them. Did you remember to send a card to Great Aunt Agatha? But I hope none of you were as confused as Sarah Palin, the Governor of Alaska, the other day. She telephoned the Senate, and said, “Can I speak to Senator Feinstein”, the person on the other end of the telephone said, “Its Yom Kippur” and she replied, “Well Yom, can you take a message for me?”

Christmas can also be a worrying time.  “Is the Capon or Turkey going to be big enough?” “ Will he like the present I bought Him?”  But these worries are nothing compared to the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day. “May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot has just had a heart attack and is dead. And I don’t know how to fly help me! Please help me!  All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying, “This is the tower, I have just received your message and I will talk you through it.  I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.  Now, just relax. Everything will be fine. Now give me your height and position.” She says “I’m 5ft 4 and I’m in the front seat.”

“O.K.” says the voice from the tower. Repeat after me:”Our Father, who art in heaven…”

Another aspect of Christmas is that it is party time, just like the celebration here tonight. But one thing about this venue is that there are toilets.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed but Brighton and Hove have closed down practically all the public conveniences in the town.  They are now flower shops, like “At your convenience” or snack bars and you just can’t find a toilet when you need one. Like the two girls, Sue and Lucy who had gone out to a Christmas gathering and were walking home. Sue said to Lucy “I’m bustin’” “So am I” her friend replied “Oh no, what are we going to do there are no toilets around here?  “Its Ok, look there’s a churchyard over there.  We can just nip in and have a wee behind one of the gravestones.  No-one will see us”. So the two friends crept into the dark graveyard and relieved themselves.  “Have you got any tissues?” Sue whispered. Lucy whispered back, “No, I’m just going to use my knickers and throw them away.  “I can’t do that I’m wearing my best silk cami-knickers, oh wait there’s a wreath here I’ll just use that. Sue and Lucy, happy that they had seen to their immediate needs set off for home.

A few days later their husbands met in the local Pub for a drink. “Here I don’t know what the girls were up to the other night, my wife came home with no knickers on.”  The other replies, “Well, you should worry, I found a card in my wife’s silk cami-knickers which said, “We’ll never forget you from all the lads at the Fire Station.”

Finally, especially at Christmas we should all be careful of how much we drink as it can affect how we are perceived.  Like the two old boys at the bar where one slurs into the others ear, “See that picture of those two old soaks? That could be us in 10 years.” “You silly old fool” says the other “that’s a mirror.”

Well. In spite of all the hustle and bustle of Christmas it takes our mind off the problems of the world and we focus on our families and loved ones. It is a time for giving, laughter, for celebrating and having fun with all the people we hold most dear. I wish you all a happy Christmas and I hope that all of you enjoy the holiday and have a wonderful time.  Merry Christmas to all of you!   Please raise you glasses to our guest speaker (Hope to hell Vivien that you haven’t forgotten his name after giving the stress of giving the speech!) and his wife and to HMS Sussex,